Journal entry 2.10.16
“I’m tired this morning, still feeling sick and have a long day ahead of me. I need to be filled. Motivated. Feel you. Understand. Lord you set me on this journey this year to be intentional and live life fully abandoned. How? I don’t want to lose that feeling that nothing else matters except what you’ve given me. Living abandoned is hard with schedules, deadlines, running a business, social media, kids, and a husband. How do you live abandoned when there’s so much stuff to do? Even my journal entries have become a to-do list. I want my heart to be on display and do what you have told me to do but time constraints have forbid me…”
Yes, just six weeks after the New Year I’m over it! I can’t do it and am ready to give up! At least on this morning. I’m a visual person so when I envisioned living life abandoned to what God wants me to do this year, I pictured myself with arms in the air open wide, head up towards heaven with a sweet smile on my face as I breathed in the fresh, morning air. Can you picture it? It would be one of those pictures you post on Instagram with a quote written across that reads,
“His mercies are new every morning.” Lamentations 3:23
I would get inspiration daily on what the day would look like living life abandoned and gather all the grace needed in my speech and actions to do exactly what I was supposed to. My life would read just like the P31 woman whose husband thinks he’s found a wife of noble character and stands above the rest. Poised. Perfectly dressed as my children ran into my arms. Dinner would be hot and filling and the dishes would be washed in a flash as the children frolicked and played singing my praises. (Okay, maybe I knew that wouldn’t happen.) But I didn’t have a sort of feeling that once I “gave up” my agenda would get easier. Right?
But as the days went on, living life abandoned just meant picking up the things God had for me to do and doing the work! That meant my to-do list may have changed but none the less, there’s a to-do list. However, with living in Texas your immune system goes into shock when the weather decides to change from 50 degrees one day to 75 degrees the next, meaning you spend most mornings sleeping in because your achy body just won’t budge and the to-do list you just made gets thrown in the trash.
So this morning, as I write the words above, I’m finally coming to realization that the work He’s laid before me really does mean work and no matter how I feel that day, I must learn to push through. No, my speech hasn’t been the best everyday (insert husband’s smirk) and although my husband still loves me, there are days I’m sure he doubts my character. And perfectly dressed? Please! Just because I have a fashion & faith foundation doesn’t mean I’m the best at either one of those.
As for my children, just a little insight, both girls are amazing but I recently bought the book “Strong-Willed Child” by Dr. James Dobson…that should give you a glimpse into our house!
Yes, there’s tons of laughter, cuteness, a little bit of quiet time, and my husband and I actually got a date night over Valentines weekend. Praise em’! But the struggle is real whether your living life abandoned or not.
The good news is, the verse in Lamentations is real, too. His mercies are new every morning and I’m thankful that when I do lean into Him, even when I cry or whine, He gently reminds me why He has asked me to live my life completely abandoned giving up my plans and taking up the call He has put on my life.
He reminds me once again that I don’t fight against flesh and blood but again principalities.
He reminds me again that I’m not in the fight alone.
He reminds me again that if He is for me than who can be against me.
He reminds me of the women. The women who are trapped. The women who are waiting on me, the whole team and the army of women who are coming and marching together to release each one into a life of legacy.
Oh yes. That’s right. The women.
It’s not about me.
So I abandoned myself. My plans.
Abandon. For the women. The call. My purpose.
The reason I was born.
Then He showed me more and brought me deeper…..
So today, when it gets hard to live abandoned with intention, pull out your journal and lay it out for Him. Your fears, weaknesses and how you feel. He will show you what you need to do.
Help me to say “No” to meetings, places to go, things to do that don’t support my purpose and “Yes” to the things you have set before me.
It was here in the writing that I realized I once again picked things that were not important. I answered emails before I wrote, called someone before taking action on His to-do list – I was beginning to live my life abandoned when I wanted to, certain hours of the day when it fit the schedule I had laid out for the week.
Stay focused - Lead – Discern – Faith – these are my strengths. Stay in my lane, girl!
You see, He makes it clear on what you have to do. Just open the journal and start the conversation.
He will show you more and bring you deeper….
What’s your deeper?
Journal Entry #6✅