1 week, 2 days, and 12 hours ago, my boyfriend of 5 ½ years told me he doesn’t want to marry me (ever), and then he asked me to leave. I drove home alone, the shattered pieces of everything I’d hoped, longed, and planned for ripping me up inside. Like every day reminders of his goodbye, the pieces remain, and the disappointment and shock feel just as raw as they did last week. Short of losing my grandpa a few years ago, this hurt is this worst I’ve ever experienced, and I’m just going to be honest up front: this isn’t a post about healing, because right now, I’m broken. This isn’t a post about comfort, because right now, my heart is aching. This isn’t even a post about trusting God’s timing, because right now, I would be lying if I told you I didn’t have questions.
But this is a post about power: the power to choose, even in this ugly, dirty, messy, pain, to believe truth.
When the enemy whispers in my ear this wouldn’t have happened if you were better, prettier, skinnier, or smarter, when he sneaks upon me in the middle of the night and cries you will never be loved, this was your only chance, and it’s gone, when he reaches inside and stirs up my deepest insecurities to remind me I’m just not good enough, I have the power to choose truth. I have the power to believe even in the chaos, God is still God, I am still His, and that is the only thing that defines me. Not rejection.
When fear overwhelms, when I worry whether my whole life is ruined, when I look backward over wasted years and sweet memories and start believe that was as good as it gets and this loneliness will never fade, I have the power to choose truth. I have the power to believe God will make beauty from the ashes of our relationship, that even in this sadness, God is still God, I am still His, and He planned every one of my tomorrows before the foundation of the earth. My future is, and always has been, in His hands. Not my own.
When I sit, paralyzed by the pain, unable to breathe or think or eat, when I would rather lay in my bed and cry than meet up with friends or talk to my family or show up to work, when I start to wonder how I will ever move on when I can’t even move, I have the power to choose truth. I have the power to believe that God is working on my behalf, that even when I can’t feel it, God is still God, I am still His, and He is healing me, shaping me, and preparing me for all that He knows is coming. My healing depends on His perfect love. Not my strength.
The power to choose truth isn’t a quick fix. It won’t erase pain or rearrange my boyfriend’s heart. But choosing truth gives hope. It eases my soul. It reminds me that this may be the end of my relationship, but it isn’t the end of my life. Choosing truth may not change my past, but it draws me nearer to the One who gives me a future. And that makes all the difference.
Brittany Williamson is a twenty-something who is amazed every day by the grace of her God. She is passionate about the purpose and potential of her generation and loves journeying with other twenty-somethings on her blog, www.faithinbetween.com. She can also be found on Twitter (@britmwilliamson) and on Facebook (www.facebook.com/faithinbetween).