I remember when I attended Texas State staggering into class exhausted and beat because I had stayed up late working on a project, studying, working or let’s be honest, just hanging out too much with my friends. Yes, the days when deadlines meant the difference between a good grade or a bad grade instead of whether or not a bill got paid or if the kids had dinner at home or not because I forgot to start the crock pot in the morning.
I can clearly see my 21 year old self sitting in the back room of an auditorium like classroom with my head propped up on the wall behind me as I glared at the “older woman” sitting in front of me who was probably about 30 – Ha! – who kept raising her hand and asking question after question. “Lady,” I thought, “Put your hand down! Don’t you know that the more you ask, the more the professor will talk and the longer we will be here! I don’t care…”
Yep, that was me. If it weren’t a fashion class I truly would drift off into la-la land with a plan to just get by. When I graduated I thought I finally made it to the real world and my life would take off. I looked forward to the future when I would be overlooking the New York City skyline in my big window office where racks of clothes would be rolling in and out throughout the day.
Cut to 20 years later and now I’m that annoying “older woman” in the front of the classroom who keeps raising her hand. Sorry youngins, I’m not going to stop asking questions.
Yes, I’m back to school…well, in a way. You see my life didn’t pan out the way I thought. I’m not in NYC, I’m in Austin (even better), and I’m not looking out a window overlooking the city. Instead, I’m sitting at my desk in my bedroom looking out the window to my back yard where tons of toys are scattered through out. It’s not a picture of perfection and racks of clothes are not rolling in and out but really just a bunch of unfolded clean clothes laying on the floor. (Don’t judge me you know you have those days too!)
Last week I stepped into a classroom that didn’t have auditorium seating but tables and chairs set up in a perfectly newly decorated office of an organization called Mission Capital. It’s a place where training classes are held for people like me who have no idea how to run a foundation. I mean really, I have no idea and Monday’s blog by Adrienne The Problem With Doubt was totally for me!
I sat in a chair surrounded by men and women who were just like me and starting on a journey and others have been very successful and had a language I never heard before. It was like code when they spoke about legislations, grants, and community impact initiatives. Then the tables turned to me and they asked, “What do you do?” I meekly replied, “Well, I have a ministry…sort of…we…help women…and uh…” I don’t remember anything after that because I must have blacked out!
But when the class ended, I was reminded of what I wrote in my journal just a few weeks ago.
Stay focused! I’m a great idea person and visionary. I often put things down before they’re done because I get excited at the what’s new. I’m to focus on these things - writing, foundation training, and clothing - so that in the future there is a building we can gather to equip women.
So no matter how much I want to cower on the back row and day dream about new shiny things because that’s what I’m good at, I am going to hold fast that I must be intentional about learning all I can about the vision God has put in my heart. It’s going to get dirty and I’m going to have to study hard. But this time around, I’m determined to do things differently and really don’t care if I’m annoying to the one sitting behind me. Because this is me. I’m 40 and I’m going back to school learning the basics even if it feels like I’m starting over at times. And that’s okay. I’m going to move forward one step at a time.
Sit on the front row.
Ask a lot of questions.
Implement what I’ve learned.
Because if not me, then who? Who will help the women I’m suppose to speak to? Who will teach the classes the CW family is suppose to lead? Who will write the study guide? Who will unleash women and propel them into their destiny?
I will be intentional about going to class, implementing what I’m learning in the classroom so that the foundation can grow and be the impact we are suppose to be. I will be intentional in leading the CW family by placing the right people in the right place, discerning what is right for us, and believing that if God is for us than who can be against us.
I’m pulling out my journal and writing down what God is showing me. Are you?
This time I’m doing things differently. Are you?
Journal entry #5✅