Off with Her Head!
Off with Her Head!
I think one of the biggest gifts of turning 50 was figuring out what I can kick to the curb. A big one of these for me was my notion of “death to self” and its requirement for achieving faithfulness.
My interpretation of scriptures regarding death to self was decidedly Southern and feminine. Good, God-fearing young ladies set aside their wants and needs, crucifying any notion of needing validation or respect as a means of attaining righteousness.
I spent time in prayer asking God to make me smaller, need less, and have less feelings of resentment about the process. “More of you, Lord!” I’d pray, hoping that He’d swoop in and stop me from being emotionally reactive when I was invalidated or disrespected.
I tried to find a scriptural checklist that would regulate my responses when life got tough. On it were all the scriptures about dying to yourself, and I worked hard to be as dead as possible when difficult feelings welled up.
This is an extension of the law that says I can achieve goodness and faithfulness myself, by monitoring my own behavior, which is really just cleverly disguised pride.
What does death to self really mean?
If all scripture is life-affirming, and equips us for all we need for life and Godliness, why wasn’t it working to keep me from struggling emotionally?
By struggling emotionally, I mean the embarrassing and shame-inducing outbursts that caused others to distance themselves from me, and by “death to self,” I meant that I didn’t want people to see this side of me, and I needed an easy out. I wanted Jesus to sub-in for me so I looked good, but on my terms, and only when absolutely necessary. I didn’t want to take up too much of Jesus’ time. I got the rest of it, Lord. Go take a nap. You look tired.
What did need to die was my need to control everything so no one could see my imperfections. Also on the hit-list: rampant insecurity, indecision, petty passive-aggressiveness, and other unattractive traits that were not reflective of my life in Christ.
I was missing the fact that my mental heath was dependent on fully grasping the resurrection principle behind the death of the cross. My need to be seen, heard, accepted, and respected did not have to die. My toxic way of trying to wring these out of people, did.
Scripture is life affirming. If the version of scripture in your head is telling you that you have to trade in being treated fairly and cared for by others in order to qualify for goodness, it is not healthy. You know you are healthy when people treat you badly, and you are able to make wise decisions through the grace and peace of the Holy Spirit, because resurrection power is at work within you.
Making mentally healthy choices includes dying to the part of you that strives against the grace of the gospel and finding power and contentment in the resurrection and life of Christ.
Is there a particular scripture that has been difficult for you to live up to?
What negative thoughts might you have had about yourself when reading scripture?
How might your past be informing how you apply scripture to your life?
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)
Heather Bise
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